


Disarm

by Lise



Series: Remember This Cold [2]
Category: Marvel Avengers Movies Universe, The Avengers (2012)
Genre: Awkward Conversations, Gen, Loki sleeping in other people's beds is a thing now??, Loki's a goddamn mess, Loki's desperate for company, Post-Movie(s), Pre-Slash, Steve is just a good person, beating on characters as an excuse for interaction, bonding sort of, conversations with a god of borderline sanity, if by awkward you mean, in which Loki rants a lot but Steve is stubborn, still edging toward Steve/Loki sideways, talking to a skull just isn't working out, what the fuck am I doing, who has more issues than the new yorker
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-11-01
Updated: 2012-11-01
Packaged: 2017-11-17 12:46:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,905
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/551723
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lise/pseuds/Lise
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After their last encounter, Steve really wasn't expecting to see Loki again. Much less more than once.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Disarm

**Author's Note:**

> Much thanks to [zaataronpita](zaataronpita.tumblr.com) for reading over fragments of this when I was suddenly cast into crippling self doubt. "I heard you killed your only friend" wasn't going to get a follow-up. And then it did. Almost 8000 words of followup. _Jesus Christ._
> 
> In other news, to those waiting on Life in Reverse, taking this opportunity to note that I broke my wrist. This makes typing slow and difficult. I am so sorry for the expected delay.

Steve didn’t even hear him arrive. 

One minute he was going through his usual workout routine, completely alone, and the next he caught a glimpse of something out of the corner of his eye and turned to see Loki sitting crosslegged on some of the equipment, his head canted at a slight angle and something like a smile playing around the corners of his mouth. Steve gritted his teeth not to jump.

He looked a great deal better than he had the last time he’d…dropped in. Steve wasn’t so sure that was a good thing. A Loki beaten within an inch of his life he could handle. A Loki eying Steve like he was a particularly interesting insect – he was less sure of. 

“Good evening, Captain,” Loki said, perfectly calmly. 

“Evening,” Steve said shortly. “What are you doing here?” He’d never had much patience for the bantering and dodging around things that Tony seemed to like so much. Loki spread his hands in an eloquent, expansive gesture. 

“Why, I’d think that clear. Visiting you, Captain.”

“I wasn’t expecting a visit,” Steve said blandly. He’d almost begun to relax, after their previous strange encounter. He’d felt a twinge of guilt every time Thor worried aloud over Loki’s continued silence, and wondered sometimes if he was even still alive, but he hadn’t taken Loki’s half-threat terribly seriously. 

Loki’s eyes glittered with naked amusement. “Would I neglect to attend such interesting company?”

“Sir,” said JARVIS’s voice from the ceiling, suddenly, “I have alerted the other Avengers to a hostile presence in the tower. Estimate arrival to your location very shortly.” Steve tensed, bracing himself. 

“Thank you, JARVIS,” he said, and fixed his stare on Loki. “Did you hear that?”

Loki’s expression went – no, there was no other word for it – peeved. “Oh, _well,_ ” he said, “That is a bother,” and then he was moving, unfolding and taking quick _long_ strides toward Steve and he was _fast_ -

Steve braced himself to defend, and then the world turned inside out.

Or that was the closest approximation he could make. His ears popped violently and his stomach heaved with the powerful urge to be sick. Then there was solid ground under his feet again, and he was standing in the middle of what looked like nowhere, a small clearing surrounded by trees, and he only realized after Loki released his arm that he’d been holding it at all. 

“There,” he said, sounding altogether too pleased with himself. “That should give us a bit of time before I need return you.”

Steve took a moment to get his feet under him, and then registered what Loki had just said. And realized that his team would probably just see an empty room, the last word being of Loki’s arrival, and they would not be happy in the least.

“Take me back,” Steve said with gritted teeth, and Loki looked startled. 

“Beg pardon?” 

“Take me back,” Steve repeated. Loki looked slightly more startled, and then crossed his arms and raised his eyebrows. 

“No.”

Steve took a deep breath through his nose. _Don’t lose your temper. He hasn’t attacked yet. Don’t give him a reason to._ “My friends,” he said, schooling his voice to level calmness. “The team – they’ll come tracking me. Do you really want to-”

Loki waved a dismissive hand. “Not a concern.”

Steve’s heart felt like it jumped in his chest and he tensed. “Did you – what did you _do?_ ” His voice went sharp, worried, and angry, and he only realized it when Loki’s eyes narrowed dangerously in his direction. 

“I did not touch them.” Loki tilted his head back and managed quite impressively to look down his nose at Steve, despite the fractional difference in their height. “I deemed that a…disservice.”

“A disservice,” Steve said flatly. Loki inclined his head. 

“I have not forgotten your…aid, Captain. However grudgingly and conditionally given. I am well aware that you might have made things…a great deal more unpleasant than you did.” 

Steve stared at Loki, incredulous. “This is you…thanking me?”

Loki’s eyes narrowed again. “Does it not please you?”

“Not-” Steve almost sputtered. “No,” he settled on, finally. “It doesn’t.” Loki’s eyes narrowed a hair further, but the furrow between his eyebrows was one, Steve thought, of confusion, not of anger, even as he tensed. 

“What does not satisfy you? I have not attempted to attack your realm or your shield companions. I have refrained from taking in flesh and blood the price my pride would ask you to pay for witnessing my humiliation. I have not troubled the dreams of any of your friends, nor did I approach any ofthem before speaking to you. And now I come to thank you in person, and you would-”

 _Where does kidnapping come into that?_ Steve wanted to snap, but managed to…not. “If you really want to show your gratitude,” he said, ferociously calm, “Then send me back.”

Loki’s lips pressed together. His eyes narrowed. “That does not suit me.”

“Then you’re keeping me prisoner. That’s not much of a thanks.” His heart was pounding, but he held his ground. 

“Only out of necessity,” Loki said, and he almost sounded – _defensive?_ “If you had not seen fit to summon all the rest of your motley band – I have no wish to battle the lot of you today.”

“So you were just – what, going to drop in, say thank you, and take off again?” Steve challenged, incredulous, and something flickered across Loki’s face, there and gone too fast to catch. 

“The point is now moot, is it not? Here you are, here I am. You are subject to my returning you when I choose to.” 

Steve crossed his arms. “And if I fight you?” 

Loki shrugged. “You are welcome to lose.” His smile was almost genial, maybe just a little too sharp. “I would not like your odds of winning.” 

Steve refused to be intimidated. “How do I even know that you’ll take me back?”

“Would you accept my word?” Loki asked, with a dazzlingly charming smile. Steve just looked at him, and he dropped the expression a moment later. “Ah, so skeptical. Very well, then.” Loki set a long fingered left hand to the left side of his chest, nearly striking a pose. “I will swear by Yggdrasil itself, and may the world end ere I be forsworn. There. Thor himself could not make a better oath.” 

There was an air of formality, of formula about it. He couldn’t know, of course, how sincere Loki was, but if he let himself think too long about how powerless he was right now, with no way of contacting backup, no weapons but his body, and Loki at full power – Loki had said it. _I would not like your odds of winning._

Playing along, for the moment, seemed his best bet. “All right,” he said. “Fine. What do you want?” 

If he hadn’t been watching so closely, Steve wouldn’t have seen the strange way Loki – relaxed. “Why,” he said, “A pleasant conversation, of course,” and offered that dazzling smile again. Steve stared back at him, stony faced. Loki heaved a sigh that Steve suspected was at least partially exaggerated. “Can I not wish for such a simple thing?”

“Most people don’t kidnap people for that reason.” 

Loki’s smile was a little too sharp, and there was something underneath it that Steve couldn’t quite pin down. “I feel the need to note that I am not most people.” 

“So you just want to-” Steve cut off. He had it, suddenly, remembered _I am alone, I am friendless, there are three species that wish me dead of which yours is the least. There is nowhere I am welcome and no one I can turn to._ He lifted his eyes to Loki’s and found himself meeting a dangerously blank stare. 

_Go on,_ his pale eyes seemed to urge. _I dare you._

_Why me,_ Steve wanted to ask, plaintively, not even of Loki, of anyone. _Why is it me, why not-_ but of course, maybe better him than anyone else. It wouldn’t ever be Thor, Tony would get himself killed, Bruce didn’t need the stress, Clint didn’t need…Loki. Maybe Natasha. Except Natasha would never have gotten into this mess in the first place, and Steve still wasn’t sure that would have sat right with him. 

Loki let the silence stretch. Steve kept his lips clamped together, until he finally forced his mouth open to say, “Okay. Fine.”

The smile that stretched Loki’s mouth was faintly mocking. “Regretting your choices yet, Captain?” There was something lurking under that question, too. Steve wasn’t any good at these conversations. 

“No,” said Steve, stubbornly. “If a little inconvenience for me is what I have to deal with so you don’t cause trouble for a few months, I’ll take it.”

Loki’s smile flickered for a moment, some emotion too quick to identify. “Charitable of you. Are you always so quick to martyr yourself?”

“I’m not martyring myself.” 

“Self-sacrifice, then.” Loki’s voice cracked like a whip. He prowled a step closer and it was suddenly an effort to hold his ground, because it seemed out of nowhere Loki was almost vibrating with barely controlled power, and that was definitely _anger_ in his eyes. “Is this your plan? Expose yourself to the whims of the monster to save the rest of your pathetic band, your pathetic world-”

“I’d rather it was me than one of them,” Steve said, fighting the urge to step back, and between one moment and the next Loki’s hostility…evaporated. His expression was suddenly perfectly blank, wiped clean of all emotion. 

“Ah,” he said. “I see.” He regarded Steve with a gaze that was suddenly coolly dispassionate, and then turned suddenly in a swish of his strange clothing and waved a hand. “Sit, please. Forgive me, I have not been…I will endeavor to be a better host.”

“Sit wh,” Steve started to say, but realized halfway through that there was a chair behind him, looking quite comfortable and entirely out of place. After a moment, he sat down. “—thank you for the chair,” he said, slowly. 

“You are welcome.” Loki’s voice was back to silky lightness. 

Steve fidgeted. “Are you still…”

“Running?” Loki’s voice sharpened, slightly. “Odd that you should ask. I have gained a temporary reprieve. I am savoring it while it lasts.” He smiled that smile that was a little too wide and just slightly brittle, and around the edges of it Steve caught traces of weariness. No, exhaustion. “And how have you been spending your months?”

“Doing what needs to be done,” Steve said non-commitally. Likely Loki already knew, but so far Loki had avoided associations with most of the other threats the Avengers had to deal with, and Steve didn’t want to be the one to give him ideas. 

“Well, that’s vague. Come, no thrilling tales of your exploits?”

He needed to keep this conversation at least passably friendly. Steve doubted a flat out no would do much for that direction. _What would Natasha do,_ he tried to think, though of course that wasn't likely to get him far. 

He grasped at the first idea he thought might have potential. “Okay,” he said, “Story for a story, you tell me about what you’ve been doing and I’ll tell you something about what we’ve been doing.” He felt sure Loki wouldn’t take that bargain. Wouldn’t want to talk about himself. 

Loki regarded him for several moments, and then let out a sudden, sharp-sounding laugh. “A bargain,” He said, arching both eyebrows, mouth twisting up at the corners. “A fairly clever one, what’s more. You are cleverer than they give you credit for. I can appreciate that.”

“Thanks,” Steve said, without much sincerity. 

“Mmm. Very well. I accept. I will even give my own answer first, as a offering of goodwill.” Loki’s smile was decidedly crooked, and it had a strange effect on his face, somehow making him look younger in its cynicism. “Does that seem fair to you?”

Steve opened his mouth and then closed it. That gave him time to think about what he could safely say. And maybe he’d even learn something useful. “Yeah,” he said. “That sounds fair.”

Loki’s eyes glittered. “Will you insist on an oath in blood? Or may we forego that particular tradition?”

“I’m fine if you are,” Steve said, refusing to think that that very question might be mocking him. 

“Then forego it we shall. Now then.” Loki waved a hand and sank back into an armchair that had certainly not been there before. “I could sing it to you in epic style, but it would be a poor improvisation. Prose it is. It is simple enough, Captain: they hunted me. I hunted them. They attempted to kill me. I did kill them.”

Steve frowned. “Constantly?”

Loki’s eyes, which had wandered slightly from his face, cut sharply back to him. Steve wished he were better at reading faces, wished he knew how to identify whatever it was that flashed through Loki’s eyes. “Why, Captain. Is that worry?”

Steve took a careful, slow breath. “That’s not why I asked.” Though now that he thought of it – he couldn’t quite push the picture of Loki’s mangled body out of his head. _I have always been alone, and I have always made my own way._ He hardened his heart. He couldn’t let himself forget that this was dangerous, that _Loki_ was dangerous, no matter how lightly he spoke or how casual he looked sitting there. 

Loki’s eyes on him were hard, for a moment, and then he glanced away with a loose shrug. “Not constantly, no.” Looking Loki over again, Steve suspected that was a lie. Even in his finery, Loki looked thin. His already slender frame even more hollow, the gleam of his eyes perhaps slightly too bright. “Why _do_ you ask, then? Wishing to know if I am keeping them occupied?” His voice was sardonic, wry, his mouth tilted slightly up at one corner. 

Steve fought the urge to wince. “You know,” he said, slowly. “I meant it. What I said about…if you get tired of running. Thor’s still on your side. We could maybe…” Loki coughed a harsh laugh, but Steve caught just the briefest glimpse of a minute shudder. 

“Ah, yes. I come crawling to you for sanctuary. And then back to Asgard.That is your suggestion?”

“Is that so bad?” Steve pressed. Loki’s teeth flashed in a brief snarl. 

“Yes.” 

“Why?” Steve asked, truly frowning. He couldn’t think that Thor would allow anything terrible, couldn’t think that he would stand by and watch some unreasonable punishment be incurred upon his beloved brother. Not considering all the affection with which Thor still talked about Loki, even after everything. How worried he was by Loki’s silence. 

Loki’s lip curled. “Does it matter? I will not go back.”

“If Asgard’s conditions are unreasonable, perhaps your sentence might be commuted to-”

“To Midgard?” Loki’s voice was knifelike, unspeakably mocking. “Ah, yes. That sounds like a great improvement. No. I think not. I would rather be a thousand times free and hunted than safely behind bars.”

 _Thor worries,_ the thought popped into Steve’s mind to say, but even he could tell that would be a bad idea. “So you’ve been staying ahead of them. Where?” 

Loki spread his hands, smile sardonic. “Any of the Nine Realms. The gaps between them. I have an entire universe in which to wander; I am not about to run out of places to go.”

“It sounds lonely,” Steve said, after a moment’s pause, carefully. “And exhausting.”

Loki’s eyes turned sharply on him again. They gleamed dangerously. “Do you pity me?” 

_Do I?_ Steve wondered, and maybe he did, a little. It was just…it did sound lonely. And he thought that, maybe, was why he was here. Why Loki had snatched him out of the tower. Which didn’t make it any better, but was a little bit…sad. _New York in ruins,_ he reminded himself. _All those innocent people dead. Clint twitching every time someone so much as says his name._ “No.”

Loki’s smile stretched. “A lie. Isn’t that interesting? Are you so soft as that, Captain? A touch of pain and your heart aches for your sworn enemy? A dangerous trait in a soldier.”

Steve frowned. “That isn’t the way it-”

“Do you think me weak?” Loki cut him off, his voice almost ruthlessly sharp, and vibrating. “Do you think me _beaten,_ Steve Rogers, _defeated?_ That hunted as I am, I must be helpless? I am not. This past week I have destroyed two battalions that were sent for me. I have left others stranded and half mad between worlds where they will drift until they starve, lost in their own minds. They have paid in more blood than they will ever spill of mine.” He had leaned forward in his chair, hands clenched on the arms. Steve’s hair was standing on end, and he was suddenly aware of a sensation of _power_ humming in the air and realized, very suddenly, why people had once worshiped the Aesir as gods. His throat closed up, and he resisted the powerful urge to retreat. “No,” said Loki, very nearly a snarl. “I am not weak.”

 _But they caught you once,_ Steve had the urge to say. _And you have to rest and sleep and eat sometimes, if they’re that determined…_ “I never said you were,” he said, flatly. 

Loki jerked to his feet, paced a few steps. “Oh, but you were thinking it, were you not? Thinking, _Loki, what a pathetic creature, lost and alone and friendless,_ but allow me,” he turned in a whirl, teeth almost bared, “Allow me to tell you a secret, _Captain_ – I am _content_ with my lot. I would rather be a thousand times alone than suffer anyone’s charity. If I must stand alone, so be it. Better to stand alone than supported by _fools._ ” His voice trembled, just slightly. A person would have to be listening to notice. Or looking for it. 

Steve knew the sound of someone trying to convince themselves. 

“You don’t need to prove anything to _me,_ ” he said, with just the slightest emphasis, and proud of how steady he kept his voice. 

“Don’t I?” Loki snapped, and then looked disgusted. He hadn’t meant to say that, Steve thought, though he recovered quickly. “Wouldn’t you like me to prove that you weren’t wrong to help me?” 

“I would like,” Steve said, keeping his voice low, and somehow the more highly Loki’s emotions ran the easier it was for him to stay calm, “For you to keep leaving me and my team alone.”

And again, that whiplash change in emotion. All the desperate, pacing energy drained out of him from one moment to the next, and when Loki turned back his expression was perfectly cool, impeccably calm. “Oh,” he said. “Would you?” 

“Yes,” said Steve, though there was a brief urge to falter, wondering if he’d said something, somehow- 

“I see,” said Loki. “Well.” And he raised a hand and waved it, once. “That will be all, then.”

Again there was that rushing, lurching, turning inside out feeling, and then Steve dropped feet first into the middle of the Avenger’s tower lobby. He nearly stumbled and fell, and when he caught himself looked up to the relieved, astonished faces of his friends. 

“The hell,” Tony said, looking a little bug-eyed. 

Steve thought he could have echoed him. It should have been a relief. He hadn’t had to spill any information that could prove dangerous. Loki had sent him back unharmed. 

He couldn’t keep down an uncomfortable sinking feeling nonetheless.

* * *

Loki actually did leave them alone. 

That was the remarkable thing. Near complete silence. Not even a sighting. He’d just completely dropped off the map, and Thor was fretting more than ever. And not a word from Loki. And that very silence meant that Steve couldn’t stop worrying about it. 

Couldn’t stop _thinking_ about it. The sheer surreality of that whole conversation. 

Every so often, the faint notion that somewhere out in the universe, Loki was running for his life, or might already be dead, crossed his mind, and he didn’t like the twinge of unease that sent through him. Like he should have done something differently, or…something. 

It was just because of Thor. Thor, who looked miserable every time speculation about what Loki was up to came up, and after the third time someone brought up the possibility that he wasn’t coming back and Clint snapped “what a _shame,_ ” had to leave the room and returned with suspiciously red eyes. 

They didn’t bring it up after that. 

_Why me,_ Steve still kind of wanted to know, but all he could figure was that it had been that one time, that one act of – not even kindness. Humanity. Steve had standards. He kept to them. 

Perhaps, on second thought, it wasn’t surprising that _Loki_ would find that strange, Steve thought a little sourly. Seeing as his idea of standards seemed pretty limited. 

And Loki didn’t come back. Until he did. 

Steve was drinking a cup of coffee and reading the newspaper at a café near the Tower. Tony’s coffee was great, sure, but sometimes he liked to get out, walk around, soak up a little of this unfamiliar-familiar city, different but still his. 

“Is this seat taken?” 

Steve looked up, sharply. It was Loki, dressed…not as usual. Impeccably, though. In a coat and dark slacks that emphasized his lean frame and a white shirt unbuttoned just at the top of the collar, and with a small smirking smile around the corners of his mouth. “No,” he said, after a moment. “It isn’t.” Shoot. His phone was back at the Tower. _Again._

Loki folded gracefully into the chair and settled back in it, one ankle crossed over the other knee. He looked perfectly relaxed, and no one was so much as glancing askance at either of them. He smiled at Steve, almost brightly. 

“Be at ease, Captain. I am not intending to wreak any havoc today.” He tilted his head. “I merely thought I might…drop in.”

“Uh huh,” Steve said, dubiously. Loki laughed, the sound startlingly light and free. 

“My _dear_ Captain. You are a curious creature indeed. And yet for once I am being entirely honest, and I did not think that a friendly conversation would serve as violation of our…terms.”

“Is that what they were?” Steve wondered aloud. 

“You made a request. I chose to honor it. At least for the moment.” 

_And that wouldn’t have anything to do with being busy evading an army of space aliens,_ Steve thought privately, but he didn’t really think that would be a good idea to say. “Well then,” he said, a bit tightly. “I appreciate it.”

Loki inclined his head graciously, as though he noted nothing at all odd about Steve’s tone. “Mm. You have been well, then? Earth’s Mightiest Heroes facing no unusual challenges?” 

_Plenty,_ Steve thought, but he shook his head. “Nah. We’re all still going strong. Between Bruce and your brother-”

Loki stiffened. “He’s not my brother.”

He hadn’t even thought about it. Bringing up Thor. Yet suddenly Loki’s affable expression had frozen. 

“Right,” he said carefully, bracing himself, eyes flicking to the civilians nearest them and trying to think how he could protect them. “Sorry.” 

Loki took a breath through his nose and exhaled slowly, and Steve watched his features smooth until he was once more perfect, deliberate calm. “No, no. It is no matter.” His smile was quick and sharp. “Save perhaps that I think it best if we…not speak of him.”

Steve was briefly sorely tempted to push that. He didn’t want to do this, not right now. “Fine,” he said instead. The look Loki threw him, eyes slitted, lasted a moment before his face was wiped clean. 

“Hmm. Is the coffee here good?”

“It tastes fine to me. I don’t know how you like your coffee.” 

“I would not expect you to. For future reference, however: with a touch of cream and a great deal of sugar.” 

“Good to know,” Steve said without feeling. Loki’s laugh was nearly soundless. 

“So droll. Stark has perhaps been a bad influence on you.” Loki shook his head. “A pity.” 

Steve tensed. “Tony’s a good man.” Not like you, he didn’t have to say. Loki eyed him, sidelong. 

“You are so remarkably quick to come to their defense. Loyal to a fault. Not a denial of their many faults, but a willingness to look beyond them.” Loki’s mouth twitched up at one corner. “You are _quite_ the hero, Captain.”

Steve felt himself flush, absurdly, and kept his gaze steady. “I look after my own.”

“And the rest of the world as well?” Loki sounded ever so faintly amused. Steve felt himself heat a little more and looked down at his coffee. 

“I do what I can.” Steve cleared his throat. “I have advantages most people don’t. I feel it’s my responsibility to-“

“Proselytize at passersby? Please.” Loki waved a hand and leaned forward slightly. “Spare me. Moralization is so very tedious. It was merely an observation, not necessarily a condemnation.” He tilted his head fractionally to the side. “So, Captain. If you are unwilling to share epic tales of your undoubtedly prodigious valor, perhaps you will tell me something of your life. How do you occupy yourself, in this unfamiliar world? Do you still mourn for what was?”

Steve felt his face shut down. “If you want a conversation, you’re not going to get it by needling me.”

Loki’s smile was sharp. “Would you care to choose a subject, then?” There was something dangerous in that smile, but Steve met it with a flat stare. 

“The weather?”

“Dull. Trite. Come, you can do better.”

Steve’s jaw tightened. “Maybe I don’t want to.”

“I assure you that you do. I am even more unpleasant when I grow bored.” Loki quirked one eyebrow. “For instance, I am beginning to wonder how entertaining the panic would be were I simply to reveal myself right now. Not to mention the trouble it might cause you. Beacon of virtue sighted with notorious war criminal! The headlines.” Loki smirked. 

“You said-”

“I say a great many things, most of them false. I am a creature of whims, Captain. Ever changeable.” Loki leaned back. “Go on, Rogers, direct the conversation. Mastery is yours.”  
“Fine,” Steve said flatly. “How about a question, then. Why won’t you go back to Asgard?” He knew it was a dangerous question but he was running out of patience with this game, or whatever it was. Loki’s eyes half closed, his expression turning coldly unimpressed. 

“Does it matter?” 

“I don’t know. I’m just curious.” 

“There’s a saying about curiosity on Midgard, isn’t there? You might remember it.” Loki’s fingers tapped against the tabletop, a slight motion that Steve thought betrayed tention underneath. 

“Thor had a few guesses.” 

“I thought I asked you not to mention him.”

“He thinks you might be trying to protect Asgard.” Steve leveled his gaze on Loki, watching his expression, and thought he caught a slight tightening around Loki’s mouth. “He thinks you might be keeping something away. He says you wouldn’t say-“

Loki’s voice cut so easily through his, hard and cold as steel. “Thor has always been a most sentimental fool. He looks for explanations that might assuage his tender conscience. You ought to know better than to heed his nonsense.”

“Say I don’t. Prove me wrong.”

“Why should I bother to do that?” Loki’s gaze was cold, unblinking, but there was a tightness to his jaw that hadn’t been there before.

“You like doing that, don’t you?” Steve challenged. “Being right. Showing people out to be fools. I’ve noticed that. Almost as much as you like just causing trouble.Maybe more. Am I wrong?”

Loki’s eyes narrowed a hair. “So you think you have me _solved_ , is that it? That you’re in my head and can play me how you want to. Allow me to correct you, Captain – you don’t. You cannnot. It would be perilous to try. I have said before, have I not? I would endure much worse than I have rather than trust to the mercy of Asgard, or anyone.” Loki leaned back. “I advise you to dismiss the thought altogether.”

“Thought dismissed,” Steve said, but thought to himself that Thor might be right. “I’ll go ahead and remember that.”

Loki gave him a long, hard look, then glanced out at the street. “So much the better.”

Steve shifted in his seat. “Is this going to be a regular thing for you? This…” He gestured, ineloquently. 

“I suppose that depends,” Loki said. And then smirked. “I think I should prefer to keep it a surprise.”

“I should prefer that you didn’t. Depends on what?”

“Why, of course. The demands on my busy schedule.” Loki’s expression turned ever so slightly bitter. “One can hope they remain as incompetent as ever.”

“Still got a break, I guess,” Steve said, not quite flatly. “Since you’re here.”

“So it would seem. I have been fortunate.” Loki’s smirk was slightly feral. “Or they unfortunate.”

Steve tried not to twitch. That smirk made him nervous. “Look,” he said after a moment, “I don’t know what you want me to say.” 

“If I knew what you were going to say I would find this conversation excruciatingly dull.” Loki propped his elbows on the table and his chin on his hands. “I appreciate your…unpredictability.” 

That wasn’t something he’d ever heard before. “I’m unpredictable?” 

“Mm.” Loki’s hands darted across the table and plucked Steve’s cup from his plate, taking a small sip. He frowned, slightly. “Adequate, but not exceptional.” 

Steve had tensed at the quickness of that movement. He forced himself to relax. “You could get your own,” he said. 

“I suppose, but why would I do that?” Loki smiled, a curiously bright expression different from the other ones Steve had seen. For once, it didn’t make the already sharp lines of his face even sharper. He took another small sip and set the cup down. “Now-”

There was a loud _bang._ Steve started a little, but it was just the sound of a car backfiring somewhere nearby. Yet in an instant, Loki’s entire body was taut, tense, and he was half to his feet. Steve just heard him snarl something that was clearly a curse, and had he been wrong, not a car, maybe, something serious- 

“What is it,” he said, pushing himself to his feet, and then caught a glimpse of Loki’s face. 

The illusion had slipped, just for a moment, in Loki’s distraction. Steve felt his eyes widen. Loki’s skin was sickly pale, his cheekbones stood out like knives, he looked worn thin as an old rag. Muscle and bone and will all that held him together. He sucked in a breath. 

Lying. Loki had been lying through his teeth, every word.

There was just the normal noise of the city. No screaming. “It’s a car,” he said, not looking away. “Sound of an engine. That’s all.”

Loki’s head snapped back around, mask back in place and perfectly smooth. “I _know,_ ” he snapped, though clearly not. “Nonetheless. I am reminded that I have things to see to-” 

Steve couldn’t unsee what he’d seen. And couldn’t leave it alone. “There hasn’t been a respite at all, has there,” he said, voice brutally flat. “You haven’t had a break. Not even now. You’re still running. How long are you going to be able to keep it up?”

Loki’s face went absolutely still. “Do not presume-”

“How long?” Steve asked again. “Is that what you’re here for? Because if they find you here we’ll – I’ll - help fight them off for you?”

Loki made a harsh sound that Steve supposed was a laugh. Or at least intended to be. “Hardly. I would not expect any of you to fight my battles for me. I _abhor_ the very thought.”

“You’re going to die,” Steve said, words suddenly spilling out of him. “You know that, don’t you? By now. They’re not going to stop coming and eventually you won’t be able to keep it up.”

He could see Loki’s right hand clench into a white-knuckled fist. “I can outlast anything that they throw at me.”

“You’re running out of options,” he went on, ferociously implacable. “But you’re the only one making it that way, if you would just-”

“ _Don’t._ Talk to me.” Loki’s voice was viciously soft, suddenly, and he stood, and regardless of his clothing it was suddenly as though he were in full armor. “Do _not._ Tell me what I can and cannot do. What I _must_ do. Do not _presume_ that you are my _savior_ , or that some _clinging desperation_ will drive me to abandon my _wicked ways_ and return to the light.” He took a step closer, and Steve resisted the urge to quail. “You are the _basest_ of them all, the most pathetically _human._ You _disgust_ me. You wish to _save_ the world and every helpless creature on it, but how many have you _failed_ to save, how many lives weigh on your shoulders, every one reminding you that no matter what you do it will never be enough-”

 _Bucky,_ Steve thought, and felt sick. He jerked to his feet but couldn’t find the words to argue. He knew they were there, _that’s not how it is, that’s not at all what it’s about_ but he couldn’t force them past his closing throat. 

“You understand nothing,” Loki hissed. “You catch my interest and think me called to heel. I am not your tame wolf, _Captain._ And you cannot save the world from itself. Everything on this earth yearns toward destruction. For all your strength, you _cannot hold it back._ ” Something in his voice slammed the words home like a knife, and Steve felt a sudden wash of terrifying despair, certainty that he could never change anything, that it wasn’t worth it, that-

It passed. He pulled himself upright, and said through clenched teeth, “You’re wrong. I believe you believe that. But that’s just sad. And you’re wrong.”

Loki’s eyes on him were wild. For a moment, he stood frozen. Then he snarled, “Your world will prove me right,” and he was gone. Steve’s heart was thudding too loudly in his chest. Around him, people flowed, their worlds undisturbed, the whole thing apparently unnoticed. But the churning in his chest, in his head. 

He shoved his hands in his pockets and started toward home, head down. Thinking of Bucky. Helping him up, standing with him, falling. (The wild look in Loki’s eyes, rage shaped from panic and fear.)

He didn’t tell anyone about seeing Loki. He figured it would be the last time, and he didn’t want to see Thor’s face fall.

* * *

It wasn’t the last time. 

He woke up to ragged breathing nearby, and instantly sat bolt upright, startled and worried and half thinking he was dreaming. “Who’s there?” 

Silence. Steve sat up the rest of the way, frowning. “Tony, if that’s you…”

“Hardly.”

Steve stiffened, tensed at once. Loki’s voice was quiet, more of a rasp than anything. He half opened his mouth to shout to JARVIS and Loki’s voice broke in, one word. “Wait.” 

Steve wasn’t sure why he did. Maybe it was the fact that there was none of his usual silkiness there, the voice hardly sounding like his. Maybe just that – maybe nothing. Maybe Steve was just a sucker. Probably some people would have said so. “What,” he said. More silence. “Tell me what you’re here for or I’ll,” Steve started to say, but the faint strangled noise from the dark cut him off. 

“One night,” Loki said, suddenly, as though the words were dragged out of him. “That’s all I ask. One night’s rest. There is _nowhere else_ -” He broke off. Steve reached out, finally, and fumbled for the light. 

“No,” Loki started to say, sharply, “Don’t,” but too late, and Steve almost yanked back. Loki was sitting on the floor, against his dresser. There was a smear of blood against the wood where Steve supposed he had slid down from standing. His eyes were glassy and dull and he’d been pared down to nearly nothing. His skin was nearly translucent, pale blue veins visible down his neck. With the elegance Steve could so clearly remember, Loki looked like a ruin of himself.

“Don’t look at me like that,” Loki said, and the words almost slurred together. “Do not _pity_ me. I do not want your – your…” A cough rattled in his chest, and Steve caught spots of red on Loki’s hand in front of his mouth. Loki grimaced. “ _Disgusting._ ”

“You look terrible,” Steve said, almost stumbling over the words. “You look – let me get Thor, he can-”

“ _No._ One night’s rest, Rogers. Tell no one I am here. That is – that is all. I will owe you a boon of your choice. And I will not trouble you again. That is my bargain.” He made a ragged sound in the back of his throat. “Perhaps you had best claim it sooner rather than later, however.”

Steve couldn’t look away. Loki was watching him, those dull eyes impossible to read. 

“JARVIS,” he started to say, stalling. Loki flipped a hand in a poor imitation of his usual careless gestures. 

“Easily circumvented and not a mistake I’d make twice. No one is aware of my presence but you.”

That was bad. That Loki could get around tower security, around JARVIS, that somehow he’d managed – but somehow he didn’t think that was really the issue here. “It’s not my choice to make,” Steve started to say, carefully, and the sound Loki made was awful, shattered. 

“ _Damn_ you. _Please_.” Steve’s eyes met Loki’s and he could see it, suddenly. It hadn’t been there before. Despair. Fatalism. Loki had finally realized that he couldn’t pull this off. 

He could probably be captured now, Steve thought. Brought in, locked up, punished for everything he’d done. He’d be alive, though. 

_Why did you come to me,_ he wanted to ask. _What made you think I would ever…_

He knew, though. All of this, traceable to one action. One snap decision, one thing that could not even be called a kindness. And somehow Loki had…seen something in it, and whether it was desperation or manipulation or anything else…

It hadn’t sat right with him then. Maybe that was stupid of him, to think of it as kicking someone when they were down. Cause he wasn’t. He was _Loki._ Probably this was all part of some elaborate plan to take over the world, or destroy it, or _something._

A quiet sound brought him back from the frantic circle of his thoughts, and it took him a moment to realize that it was Loki laughing. “Ah,” he said. “Of course. I might have known. It must be a joy to you, to be able to look down at me. To see your enemy so reduced. To sit there in all your moral superiority and – _well._ ” He stood, though it was far from fluid, looked almost like a struggle and Steve caught one of his hands fluttering up to catch himself against the dresser. “I will trouble you no further.” He drew himself up and Steve could see him gathering whatever he had left to leave. 

_Thor,_ Steve thought, _if he finds out, this will-_ but that wasn’t even it, not really. Maybe he was stupid, gullible, naïve. But he wasn’t an executioner.

“Loki,” he said, the word dragged out of him. “—all right. Fine. Yes.”

Loki’s eyes narrowed in his direction. There was something of caged-animal wariness behind the dull exhaustion, flickering for a moment, but it didn’t last. Steve could almost see him thinking through the possibilities, that this was a trap, something, and watched him decided that it didn’t matter. “A swift change of heart,” he said, and it should have been sardonic, but was too gentle to be. 

_I don’t know what I’m doing,_ Steve thought, and swallowed. He stood up. “Thor would never forgive himself,” Steve said. Even Loki’s sneer was a shadow of itself, though he tensed when Steve moved. 

“I should think he would feel himself well absolved of my fate by now.”

“He doesn’t.” 

Loki made dismissive “tch” noise. He hadn’t left, though. Steve stepped back. “Take the bed.”

Loki’s eyes narrowed again. “And you?” 

“I don’t think I’m going back to sleep,” Steve said, and he thought he caught a brief flicker of something like amusement. Only briefly, though. It was replaced by a strange thoughtfulness, and underneath, he thought, a kind of confusion. Loki looked like he was nearly swaying on his feet, though, and finally he nodded, curtly. 

“As you will.” Loki’s head tilted slightly to the side, eyes seeming to focus very slightly. “You are a curious mortal, Captain. I do not think…” But he trailed off, and didn’t finish the sentence. Crossed the room and flung himself onto the bed, stripping off none of his leathers. “Wake me and perish,” he said, almost mumbled, and was asleep almost instantly. Or so it seemed. 

Steve stood there staring for a while, waiting for a feint, but Loki stayed still, except for twisting the blankets around himself and curling up in the midst of it without opening his eyes. Finally, he sat at his desk and sketched, one eye on the God of Mischief curled up on his bed in a snarled nest of blankets. There was something childish about it, Steve thought, and he didn’t know how to reconcile this with destruction, with death and ruin and all that Loki had done. 

He turned at a quiet noise from the bed, but Loki had only curled in more tightly to himself, more invisible in his nest. Steve looked back down at his paper and realized that he was sketching Loki as he looked right now, too-thin and in repose. 

He rubbed his forehead. There seemed no good answer. He should be calling the Avengers to assemble, capturing Loki, imprisoning him. It would be better. It would be best. For everyone, Loki included. But then that would also mean explaining…everything, and maybe if he had before now but he hadn’t, and-

-and now here they were. 

Loki was a restless sleeper. He twitched and murmured low and rapidly in a language Steve didn’t know. Once or twice he thought he caught a sound almost like a whimper. 

He wondered if this was what Thor saw when he looked at Loki. This kind of vulnerability, so carefully tucked away. 

Steve did not let himself consider that too long.

* * *

Steve intended to stay awake the whole night, but at some point he dropped off. He startled awake momentarily confused and disoriented, and then remembered his guest and turned sharply, almost wanting to slap himself for falling asleep to begin with, half expecting to find Loki gone and some disaster left in his wake.

He wasn’t gone. Was watching Steve, head slightly canted to the side and eyes intent. 

Loki was on his feet again. He still looked ragged, exhausted. But the life was back in his eyes, at least. “Good morning,” he said, and it sounded casual enough, but now that he’d seen the difference Steve could almost see the way he held himself, deliberate, guarded, every motion calculated. 

“Morning,” Steve said, cautiously. He wasn’t sure what this…truce was, or how far it held. “Are you-”

“Taking my leave, yes,” Loki said. And after a moment’s pause, he sketched a bow. “I suppose I owe you…gratitude.”

“What would you have done if I said no?” Steve couldn’t keep from asking, and the sharp look Loki gave him made Steve tense, but then it shifted into a crooked smile. 

“Improvised.”

Steve wondered what that meant. He thought he probably didn’t want to know. He stayed quiet, he watching Loki and Loki watching him.

“This changes nothing,” Loki said suddenly. “I owe you a debt, but do not think-”

“Right,” Steve said, and Loki seemed to hear something in his tone because he looked at him sharply.

“Do you have a thought you wish to share, Captain?” There was something testy about his voice, dangerous, that suggested there was one right answer to that question and it was _no._ Steve considered taking the hint. It wasn’t any of his business. It wasn’t his responsibility. Wasn’t-

“I believe in rehabilitation,” Steve said, suddenly, on impulse. Loki looked at him as though he’d grown an extra head. 

“I beg your pardon?”

“That people can change,” Steve said, and he probably sounded like an idiot, this was the kind of thing Tony would laugh at him for, but – well, screw it. “If I didn’t – well. We’d all be in a whole lot of trouble.”

Loki drew himself up. “You think I _want_ -” Steve could hear him gearing up for one of those rants, and he hurried on. 

“No,” he said, “No, I know you don’t, but it’s just – you do want to stay alive. Right? That’s why you’re here. You asked _me_ for help, and I know – I know how much you must hate that.” Watching Loki closely, he saw him tense. Not quite rigid. Just pulled taut, wary. 

“I have even less desire for a cage,” Loki said, “And no illusions about just what it is you offer me.”

“Maybe it doesn’t need to be that way,” Steve said, not quite urgently. “Maybe we can work something out, like I said-”

“Does it make you feel _magnanimous,_ to offer a saving grace to a lost creature like me?” Loki sneered, his voice brutally scornful, but Steve squared his shoulders and stood tall. 

“No,” he said. “It doesn’t. And maybe there’s no point in me saying any of this. But maybe there is. I’m not offering you any kind of – I’m not anybody’s savior. I’m just trying to give you a choice that might save lives.”

“Even mine?” Loki said, voice brutally sardonic. Steve held his gaze. 

“Yeah,” he said. “Why not?”

The look Loki threw at him was as though Steve had sprouted an extra head. Then he laughed, but it sounded forced. “Oh, you _are_ endearing. Do you truly think that _I,_ a _god_ , would bend my neck to your yoke of slavery? I have told you before. I stand _alone._ ”

He pressed his lips together. Staring down that hard gaze, and wondering if he imagined the brief flicker of something like yearning across Loki’s face. “Is pride really worth dying for?” Steve pushed, a little harder, and Loki’s smile was knife sharp and didn’t touch his eyes, something startlingly brittle about the expression. 

“I have so _very_ little else.” 

“Think about it,” Steve said, after a moment’s silence. “Just…” He trailed off. 

Loki was perfectly still, just looking at him, for several long moments. Expression unreadable. Then he turned, sharply. “This changes nothing,” he said again, but with new vehemence, and then vanished. Steve stayed standing for a moment and then slumped, nerves still humming but exhaustion creeping in. 

_What did you just do,_ he thought to himself, ruefully, and rubbed his forehead with a long, slow exhale. 

_Changes nothing._

He did wonder, though.


End file.
